A note and sort of Will if i die.

If you are reading this and i am dead... yeah. I wanted to save the future from being burdened by me. It was clearly stated by Louise Bonner, that basically i'm an attention seeking whore. I dont know if i am/was, but if thats what people think of me then it must be true. Sam Hill... she's a great girl... best person to walk the Earth :) I loved her so... but it wasn't meant to be.. i have never felt so hurt in my life when i did what i did back in november.. and when she said we would never be together.. id never felt that pain before... she must have been my first true love.. and i did love her.. I actually have two books for her by Adele Parks which were meant to be for her birthday.. but because of incidents mentioned above i think she pretended to forget her bus pass the day we were going to meet because someone tipped her off.. which made me lose trust in people, being screwed over like that.. oh well, was bound to happen to me. I want someone to give her those books, there in my room.. i'm glad she is happy with her boyfriend.. i guess it was always meant to be.. i'm glad..
I probably should have written this a bit earlier.. James can have all my stuff :) Oh and before i forget Sam Hill can have my CSI Miami and CSI New York Box Sets... and Liam Monnier can have "The Peter Serafinowicz Show" DVD... I can't think.. if i think of something else ill write it if im still alive later.. to be continued..

Hmm..

It's amazing how i'm just talking to myself, and that no-one can see this blog... aha..
I don't know why i'm bothering, but it might be a laugh, i could look at it as a kind of diary of events.. and i'll look back in the future and say, "What a tosser i was!"

Well i see it to be all true anyway.. probably have to go in a second.. I've been told to try and make something good happen in my life, but how if i can't think positive and don't have anything to be happy about? Pfft, just pointless shit.

Anyway... See you..

One Year Later..

Oh hey, didn't see you there blog.
Seriously, i forgot about this thing.. forgot the password to my google account... Bah!

Basically, to put it bluntly, 1 year on, and i feel shit to be quite honest. I wish i could be back one year in the past, you know.
Nothing good has happened at all. Broken heart, depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, death.. failing exams, do crap coursework, not going to school. You know, things a failure does.
Nobody actually loves me, i mean family and friends. I'm a disappointment to my Dad, Mum couldn't give a crap. I just feel like i wanna live the rest of my life playing games or something.. because that fictional reality would be better than this reality..

Okay, i will tell you what i want in life.. i just wanna have it simple.. Get a decent job, enough to provide, i would like a family of my own.. a lovely partner who loves me as mum as i do her, children.. two or three.. you know, specifics and all.. maybe a dog.. a nice home and just live like that for the rest of my days..

It's weird.. My deja vu encounters have gone off the charts recently (Aha).. predictions i make come true, i see things in my dreams that actually happen to people.. most of the time.. but none of them benefit me, infact, they are the complete opposite of what i want, and just destroy me even more.. Although i know i can't always have my way, because that's what creates a dick. Unless i already am one..? Then great. No wonder nobody likes me.

I've become sicker and sicker these past couple of months (I mean health wise, not that way..) I have constant headaches, and it's like i've built up an immunity to paracetamol.. and it's not becuase i'm fat and shit. I've actually lost weight (surprisingly) but not much... well it's part of who i am, so i don't really wanna change it. For people who actually just care about appearance, then you people are lowlife twats who deserve to die, and not just because i said so, you know think about the other people you've hurt. Don't just think about yourself.

One more thing.. i think.. for people who just can't stop talking about their ex-boyfriend months after they dumped you? Stop fucking talking about them to people you know love you! It's a fucking pain in the ass, and it just hurts them! Tell him you still have feelings for them, and then based on the reply, either be happy, or just forget it! And don't bother saying it's hard, because at least you've been lucky enough to have a partner. So don't whine, and get on with your life!

Oh and Congrats to Sam who got back with her ex... have a goodun.

Yeahh... that's it i think...

Until next time... which could be a year, or never because i'm dead..

Bye!